hello its morning i slept 5 hours im still sick we're watching last years THE MENU
i got a feeling its not a good film for liveblogging but fuck it
why does this look off
oh cos it used to be this
shes smokin n hes all like DONT WHAT ABOUT UR TASTE BUDS and i hate this guy already
salsa: hey its that guy!
shes wearing chunky boots under afancy dress thats how you know shes Not Like The Other Girls
Hi hello were just here to introduce ourselves and get eaten later, probably
ohmygod a famous persoooooooon
i guessss idk
oh shes a food critic. i guess tyler (the dude) is super into food so he got excited
jesus theres a lot of characters
theyre all rather vapid so far but is that a surprise? no.
at least we have the in-depth characters of
tyler: who likes food
margot: who likes to smoke
and wears chunky boots under a baby pink dress
he fuckin slapped her hand away when she tried to eat it cmon tyler
eh they did have a cute moment where he teased her by saying mouthfeel after she just said she hates that word. so. idk i guess thats something
fuck's sake, tyler.
this film is like hi this is tyler please hate him so you wont be upset when we turn him into fish filet
or whatever idk
i know very little about this movie
byeeeeee now ur stuck here welcome to umineko island let us know when the seagulls stop crying so we can start the magic fuckery
Salsa: when does beatrice show up
margots hair looks a lil like beatrice's bun
i think thats as close as were gonna get :c
Salsa: i'll take it
oh they get a tour of the island. Thats a loooooot of driftwood.
and of course the fuckboy trio doing what fuckboys do best
unimpressed distant staring
yeeting a rock on the water while the lady is explaining things
...ok well he isnt doin anything but he is wearing sunglasses when its really not necessary so points off for that.
oh nvm everyone whos someone in this group is wearing sunglasses
the only people who arent are margot tyler and the movie stars assistant. and the guide
ah yes of course they have a fuckin midsommar sacrifice barn cos why not
shes shown them the quarters of the staff which unsurprisingly look depressing as fuck and she keeps saying creepy shit. which is also just. about food.
wtf is this angle on the chefs house
why is it so high up
was starting to wonder if that lady was the only staffmember lol but heres the rest
>shes not talking
this is chef and clearly the casting call said "if you tried out for silence of the lambs and didnt get it, we want you"
...he just said that about snow
i thought. well. whatever
they were told they cant take photos of the food, and, of course, tyler does, cos the movie wants you to hate him.
so far only likeable character besides margot: the assistant trying to leave her boss and he's not letting her. BUT SHE PERSERVERES
ok the food critic and her partner are fine too imo. theyre just doing their job.
tyler keeps calling margot a cool girl which again shows he doesnt really respect her. like he just took her cos he cant believe she likes him
cries cos he wants the chef to like him
i hate architecture like this
i want her jacket thing
oh yeah theyre eating stuff from the island. arranged to look like the island. including rocks
the dudebros are dismissive of the food and this lady is making a mental note. of. something
all she does is side eye she side eyes so hard im intimidated through the screen
he has a tiny face.
tiny face man.
also everyones like wtf wheres the bread
..? they just gave the critic "another broken emmulsion" after she complained one of the accompaniments had split
and by they i mean the chef
theyre like hey we know food is like artto you but can we have bread and shes like NO
theyre like dont u know who we are?
the movie: hey viewer just in case you didnt dislike them enough lemme pile on some more
she just whispered to tinyface "you will eat less than you desire and more than you deserve"
..thats laying it on a little thick
tyler accidetnally smashed a glass and his senpai is coming over and hes so flustered!!!
he ignores tyler to talk to margot about how shes not eating
and shes like well u told us not to (he did he said you will not eat you will taste lol)
im. not sure who this is
i do like how its segmented into dishes, its fun
he claps and everyone gets scared
fucking stoked to be here
chef proceeds to traumadump on the guests about his dad being a violent alcoholic
lol he talked about how he stabbed his dad in the thigh with scissors to stop him
wonder how he'd depict anxiety as a dish
Majo: (omg beatrice is real....uuu...very disappointed if this movie is not in fact Umineko no Naku Koro ni)
...so the dish is tacos and all the tacos have something on them related to whoevers eating them eg. the critic got pictures of the restaurants that she reviewed that closed
ok well that is extremely specific.
in the words of sister michael.
oh it says god.
the dudebros did illegal wiretransfers that are on their tacos now lol
the vibe im getting so far is squid game but with food
TELL ME WHO THE WOMAN ON THE TORTILLA IS JEFF
lets see margots taco
*snaps his fingers* TYLER
Hes so ruuuude
also margot is trying to send the food back cos the tacos are mean about tyler
glad she called it out
aw man we didnt get to see margots tortillas
margot went to the toilet to smoke and looked out the window and uh
just. gonna assume thats a tablepiece
hes a lil upsetty
we got all the deets on the woman tyler was supposed to bring so our spooky scary tortillas arent accurate to you :c
he tried to interrupt the chef when he tried to introduce the fourth dish and i stg this lady is gonna stab this man before the end of the film
hello everyone this is jeremy hes a sous chef who works for me. please dont mind the tarp we placed on the floor before having him step out here and the fact that the next dish is called "the mess"
also what is this
oh yeah they might be! they used tweezers earlier
he just talked about the pressure of thinking you dont live up to what you want to be (in relation to jeremy and his own younger self) and called it "the mess" it makes of your mind and body
so uh. i think this next dish is actually sorta anxiety as a dish heh
oh god. whatre they gonna do.
OK WELL I DIDNT EXPECT A GUN
chefs mum looks unimpressed but its such a quick shot i cant grab it
...are you alright?
is your head ok?
they call it the mess but ngl its not that messy
like unrealistically so tbh
wonder if this film has a baby rating that means they cant go too far (what is up with films having that more recently)
the staff's all like pls go sit down again and everyone kinda does because the chef sorta made it sound like its not real
she calls everything thats happening theatrical all the time
so cant pass up the opportunity
there there mom oop you got some splatter on u
oh theres also an actual dish. also lol at the rip
now everyones stress eating
the rich old guy is super offended which is interesting cos they showed that him and his wife have done this experience a buncha times before
so i guess sous chef suicide isnt always on the menu
they just yakuza'd the rich guy's finger for trying to leave???
i thought they were gonna be ok with everything cos ohhhh the decadence of the rich has corrupted their souls so far they're only entertained by the most grotesque of debauchery and human sacrifice for their entertainment
but maybe not.
Majo: ("pressure cooked" heheheheh. heeeh)
oh my god youre rigth lol i didnt even notice that
oh they still think its acted
ha the chef wants to talk to margot and tyler cant come
loser sitting all by himself at the murder restaurant
oh ok well glad u came out with that before the halfway point
anyway margots name is probably not margot?
hes still all like idk who you aaaaare and thats a problem
and hes like youre either on our side or theirs
those who give and those who take
which, again, bit on the nose
smallface is gonna try to smash a window which im sure will turn out great for him
of course the glass is way too tough
hes just led back to his table tho
oh the chef is apparently slovakian. not really relevant but idk maybe theres a reason
more esteemed cos hes foreign or something
they give the critic more "broken emulsion"
while the chef slags her off for ruining peoples lives with her reviews
ah time to attack another table i guess
still surprised this show isnt how they usually do their meals
the rich man doesnt know and theyve eaten there eleven times. the place is super exclusive so obv its to show how out of touch this couple is with normality
bad rich old people! bad!
oh thats what the angel wings were for!
thats the chef's investor by the way, and the boss of the three dudebros.
I guess they decided they needed to make clear the chef isnt rich enough to own his own island cos thatd muddle the message a bit
yeah thats not a good thing
flaps arms while dramatic music plays
hes being lowered so slowly it looks kinda silly ngl
goodbye mr verrick
time to pick a side
whatever that means
hes like i can tell you worked at mcdonalds at some point margot i can always tell
oh shes a sex worker!
and she knows the old rich guy cos he hired her once and he had a really gross request
the chef confides in her that he doesnt enjoy his job anymore
they just had a little heart to heart sorta. that was interesting
everyones told to go outside so mom decides to grab a bottle
? heres another sous chef and she tells a story of how julien (yknow, the chef) harrassed her three years ago and how there were no repercussions
didnt expect this
i stg if its genitals
...she stabbed him in the dick? i think?? idk
oh no, just the leg
and he says sorry to her
i figure doing that results in getting stabbed in the leg
smallface immediately skedaddles
they all left except for tyler. jesus
the sous chef serves the women their food back inside and starts crying at the table
screenshot cos lol thank u assistent
oh she meant umeboshi
duuuude you cant run this close to me what if they think were gay!!! gawd
the critic tries to manipulate this girl into letting them go by saying shecould get her her own restaurant if they dont all die at the end and the chef goes uhhhh but the dying was actually my idea.
ohhh her name is erin. there we go
the men all got caught and tylers just stolen the leftovers from the women so he can eat
omg senpais talking to meeeee
oh wow tyler knew everyone was gonna die
omg theyre not even a couple
ah so shes working, just like the staff. while the others are guests
i see i see
ok well i dont know what this is gonna be but im scared
..its a chefs jacket.
aww u got a compliment from the chefs mum isnt that amazing tyler. best day ever
>gets chefs jacket
>is told to cook
tyler are u serious
theyre making him cook and he's cracking already
but yeah he just threw some stuff together in stress
i shoulda waited for the description
the chef whispered something to him but we dont get to hear what, but its made tyler take off the jacket and also he is crying
tyler just walked out via the kitchen? idk im a bit confused
chefs makin erin go get a barrell
he keeps calling her margot but thinkin of it that might just be because when she revealed her real name he wasnt there
nooooo the swedish death hut
omg. full member of the team
ah. tyler. um. took care of himself.
considering he knew they were all gonna die that night i suppose thats not too hard to believe
apparently thats why the actor is here
ok joking im sure theres more to it
ok nvm it does come down to that
haha he asked the assistant if she had any student loans, she said no and then he just said sorry ur dying
cant even soften the blow of not having to pay the loans
oh no sorry the school and no student loans imply shes from a really rich family. i didnt recognise the schools name and forgot how high student loans are in the us
so hes just saying eat shit and die rich kid, not oops well too bad
erin has aquired a knife
erin where is the barrel
elsa (the head of service? i think?) tryna murder erin cos she thinks the chef is trying to replace her.. why? youre supposed to die tonight anyway or something?? confused
oops she accidentally killed elsa.
also elsa reveals the barrel was a lie by the chef, she hadn't forgotten
erin loose hair get cos its pretty, probably
oh my god he did work at a mcdonalds!
erin broke into his house btw. which is attached to the restaurant. theres almost nothing in it except some photos telling his life story
oh he also has a radio
meanwhile, at the restaurant
oh she did end up bringing them a barrel
oh my god a boat! i guess erin got through
i doubt hes happy
ok yeah no doesnt look like he cares
oh yeah hes like oi if u tell the boat guy u wanna leave im gonna kill him
he asked the actor for an autograph, the actor just wrote help us and now COMMOTION
if this ends with this guy being arrested im impressed.
oh its a lighter. SURPRISE boat guy is in on it
whos the innocent man whos gonna die, then
he doesnt like erin anymore
i wonder why his mum is here
erin just clapped to get their attention and it worked
i do like that she opens with this
oh yeah she tried to do that at the start too lol
i mean, cant argue with that
she just said he failed at his one purpose as a chef
i wonder what he'll say
um she asked for one
haha i forgot the context lol
he's.. making her the burger
she was all like your food is loveless!! im not sure how the boiga is gonna change. oh wait
he used to work at a burgerjoint as a kid when he still smiled
i get it i get it
meanwhile this girl is all like gee i hope we're still doing the everybody dies part at the end of the night cos that was my one input in this whole thing
it is. it is indeed a cheeseburger
[erin liked it btw]
i mean why not try that at this point
love how its on a paper plate
oh he actually packed it up for her
omg i hope she actually gets to go
oh everybody gets a gift bag
which includes a granola bar, a booklet;
this lady: I don't know what I expected
theyre putting sauce and crumbs on the floor so i figure theyre gonna make the entire dining hall into the last dish
also complimentary marshmallow jackets
ok well, that. looks. idk
can you. can you guess.
hes slagging off smores.
then hes probably gonna be like it suits you all perfectly!!
ah yeah just. yeah. sure.
erin meanwhile lookin like a florence + the machine music video about starting a boat
oh i guess mum counts as staff then
the chef did say they didnt fight particularly hard to stop him and honestly he's right
im a little surprised everyone just lets it happen
oof that is relatively rough cg fire
🎵 no light no light in your bright blue eyes i never knew daylight could be so violeeeeent 🎵
that was the menu
it was. fine.
the. the chef is ralph fiennes... how did i not recognise him....
too much nose, maybe
it was really funny at points and kinda cool but it had a weird squid game esque quality to it
i think i dont like films that try the whole eat the rich thing
cos its so performative
look guys were in your court! rich people bad!
id give it a 6 outta 10 i think
[I think I'd give it a 7 now. I think I was a lil too harsh on it right after watching it]