Severance
(2006)

ok im. falling asleep to the point that im painfully rubbing my eyes, so
i found a movie called severance while lookin for the show severance.
were watchin the movie. u ready for some mid 2000s corporate horror lads
funded by the national lottery! what the fuuuuuuck
hey you wagie bastard! didnt win the lottery this year? how about we kill a buncha people who are just like you for entertainment :D its uk/new zealand film from what i remember when i googled it ten minutes ago and immediately forgot
which means its gonna be very sarcastic (uk) and extremely gory (nz) wow u musta thought long and hard about that one lads also, isle of man! this place!
island of islands! they must be some of the proudest people in the world
u say are uffrom the uk they go OI IM FROM ISLE OF MAN HOW DARE YOU
technically uk still but youre not specific enough so they're still ready to beat you up anyway the film opens with some running people and some girls being abandoned by "mr george" which i assume is their boss
jeremy clarkson lookin ass fuck im sure he wont die horribly in the next 2 minutes not even five minutes in and the film defaults to cheap fanservice. fuck sake oh no there goes mister george! the girls were wearing leather jackets and only a bra under that. what fucking troglodyte wrote that. thats not a real thing fuck thiiiiis
>priestess expecting a movie from 2006 to do better
ugh
theyre in their underwear now and her friend is like if u take of ur bra we can get out i will find the director and kill him by ramming a crucifix down his---
ok sorry lets. ugh lets just. suffer on
maybe it stops being shit after the five minute mark
Amy:the black bra doesnt even look comfy :( bad costume department
oh yeh the costume department either did a shit job here or got absolutely shafted by the script/director
ill fitting bras under a leather jacket cos OMG ITS JUST SO SEXY!!!! anyway frank over here ready to kill jeremy clarkson which is fine jaunty music plays as we watch the life drain outta jeremy's eyes
i hope the girls get out. please for the love of god at this point i'll be happy if thats all we get winding blue road cos its 2006 and that was all the rage then! were on a corpo bonding trip! doesnt this place look nice???
I wont tell u what kinda thoughts I have when I see buildings like this IRL cos god damn they sure aren't business approved! if i was toby stephens i'd sue the filmmakers purely for putting my name over this building. jfc he looks like a ginger version of one of my cousins. SUE EM TOBY UR SISTER IS A LAWYER U CAN WIN THIS
(i mighta had a drink before i started this film.
) oh look its the dead guy! i think
idk his name is george oh look its the bossiest of boss with his assistant
in the bus, at least
Amy:good old 60s element construction (i dont know whether i love or hate them)
if u can love em i have a lot of respect for you
to me they mean nothing but depression i am sorry to say heres our first kiwi! he is lookin at prostitution websites in the balkan cos, well, theyre in the balkan. Arent you just immediately endeared to him??? heres diligent worker girl possible final girl who knows shes the first girl weve seen so far whos english speakin so it might be her also discount shia lebouf i work in crm. the fuck is a crm-114 landmine
Amy:(the actual cannibal??)
(i hope so!) that sounds way too cool for anything crm related. Did you fuckers do any more research beside clicking the first link that showed up on google for "corporate jargon" and call it a day??
(no)
(i know they didnt)
(little did they know someone who works in crm would watch this movie 17 years after its release!! hoho) in the year of our lord 2006 i cant imagine what this is gonna be followed up with.
also the video has a single guy in it and its their ceo so to be fair idk what this girl wants oh ... okay
wait is that logo an ugly interpretation of the microsoft logo
...
am i getting too into this movie love how her retort is framed with this guy on the screen for no reason. subtle damn that is the greenscreeniest bus ive ever seen. idk if you can tell from the screenshot but wow
also tiny ass team to send from the uk to wherever they are in middle europe wow
Amy: and a giant bus too
yeah its massive considering its got like six people on it, good point theres one black person in the whole video and the director goes YSEE ITS NOT ALL WHITE PEOPLE!!!! which i gotta give it to the film is probably quite accurate to the year
tho its prolly just a joke about how their team has one black dude on it and everyone else is white he sounds exactly like a snippet ive heard in a song. where a guy says ive decided to launch a nuclear strike for freedom and democracy
its probably not this film.
cos i dont think this guy owns any nukes
but thats what i thought of
Amy:(i can only think of 'i will bring peace and freedom to my new empire' from rots....)
Lou: what movie is this
it is Severance! from 2006
Lou: ooooo
Lou: sure hope nobody gets severance! as in like. their limbs from their torso. haha. ha.
the poster is a suited man without a head
so if it doesnt happen in the film the poster's got our back
Lou: I am so clever look at me
i bet if u were around for evil dead rise u coulda predicted some evil dead would be rising! kiwi sets off the alarm while smoking in the bathroom and everyone is like wtf? and i cant get over how toby looks exactly like my cousin, god damn the busdriver (who is native to wherever the fuck they are) is very upset at the smoking and goes NO SMOKING NO SMOKING BOB MARLEY BOB MARLEY cos this film is very subtle and realistic
why do we have two nerds. the only difference is ones a woman and the other a man. they even wear the same sorta outfit hi this girl is american for no reason!
this film is the most diverse cast while still having everyone have english as their mother language i have ever seen. anyway kiwi is eating what he thinks is magic mushrooms but its pretty obviously not also he is eating them like he's eating sandwiches so if they really were magic mushrooms hes gonna think he can fly within the next five seconds and go catatonic right after shes like what if ur wrong about them chilling u out and this is his response which
i mean, ok. you do you i guess
prolly eating dried creminis but whatever oh noooo whatever are they gonna dooooo also random cheese wheel!
the boss is like whe can go down that path and the driver says this in his own language and thank fuck the translaters included it
Even tho yeah of course he's like UHHH IM NOT GOING THERE
Joker: Man, I hope the cheese wheel makes it
if nobody points it out it should be safe. cheesewheel final girl pls yes we know.
Lou: we love to see a horror movie character with a braincell he doesnt thank u sensible man please leave the movie and be safe i feel like if you start spouting ominous shit in a non english language and then leave the premises youve got like, a 75% higher likelihood of surviving despite the fact they dont understand each other the director replies like they do
idk what this man's job is im just saying director to indicate he's the boss of everyone there, just to clarify
Lou: 75% CHANCE AT MINIMUM
AT MINIMUM!!
increases the faster you get outta there!!!!
if u stay behind u might still die. but if you leave? ur safe. go esl'er, run to safety my brother angrily gestures in balkan FIGHT director makin a mental note to leave a bad review for the bus company
tho i will say if people die in that forest and the driver knows this its a little fucked up if he doesnt stop these people from going there everyones gawking meanwhile toby's like tee hee i'll remember this for our christmas drinks
anyway the busdriver leaves and they are stranded toby;s like im not gonna get killed in this movie have u seen me? ginger corpo guy? no way im makin it im going back to the hotel
but bossman is all like NO WERE GOING WERE A TEAM
(also toby is not the characters name. its the actors. i dont know the characters name oops) dwight over here like yay forest times lets go! they hear a roar from the forest kiwi givin his best reverse chris-chan
oh theyre in hungary. why would you not be. if ur hotel and lodge are in hungary why would you have crossed the borders
i mean i know thats easy in mainland europe but cmon oh nvm they did their research and i need to shut up
then again why would they all be there if their training is in hungary also if its a team building trip why is everyone in their corporate best
if its at a lodge that makes no sense thats nice kiwi i didnt hate you enough already. oops the walk is longer than they thought.
oh kiwis name is steve. name get
hes fine but he's peeint butassnaked because shrooms except im sure hes just weid but yeah hes the first who sees a weird thing so theyre all like its bs cos ur off ur tits on shrooms bitch ur the one who turned around while having it out. hypocrite amazing script. behold: a house lol they put steve on a lead unsurprisingly the lodging is creepy as shit
Rikki: why atre they so dirty and in their bras
Rikki: sorry i clicked on this and it was the first thing i saw lmaoi
they fell into a hole
Rikki: in their bras
no they were fully dressed but they tried to make a rope outta their clothes. it was stupid fanservice bullshit
Rikki: im sure the audience feels aroused at these dirty dirty girls Rikki: in a hole he contemplates the rope. his bindings its not a rope julia it is my confinement! it takes my freedom from me! aaaaaaaAAAAAAAA
(idk her name its julia now)
the boss is all this is a business but we'll have fun yknow paintball yadda yadda
i fuckin hate paintball
i'll check the contract to see if i can legally blind someone at company appointed paintball and by that i mean i will inexplicably make it to the final three and then betray everyone and then die, says dick the director
(his name is actually dick. i didnt make that up for comedy his name. is dick)
>i tell jack what movie im watching
jack: "oh that movie! has the beartrap happened yet?"
>thE WHAT
Amy: well they did say theyre in bearcountry...
so apparently stupid shit like the opening "hey does this dirty bra scene make you hard" happens multiple times in this film. bah
he said i wont like this film but it might make good content for narrating. look man if im not havin fun im not narrating
i mean yeah blood and honey BUT STILL steve be trippin. both sitting down and standing here at the same time ???? hes jumping on the springboard for no reason
also, again, why the ties at a teambuilding event. dude what are u even supposed to be doing.
Joker: I mean - I understand the temptation of wanting to jump into a big pile of leaves (specifically a huge pool filled with them), but like....what if there's bugs or broken glass hidden in there
Amy: thats gonna be a pit
i think amy is right. risking jumping in there is just not worth it meanwhile harris (toby's character's name) finds a buncha files in a basement or somethin
omg cyrillic!!!!!! so ominous
Amy: it doesnt even have any info on it wtf?? just (i assume) 'classified'
Amy: all the data fields are empty
Amy: bad archives ghos??? nope. just skelly. how disappointing. harris is like geez thought i was about to be in for a good time there CHEEEEEEEEEEEESE
Amy: cheese!
Joker: 🧀 yehh. cheese
thats a man who looks happy with his cheese and an arm of disturbance oh nerd mans name is gordon. guess he went into the pool. hes all squishy
at least he's alright
Amy: ... is there going to be a beartrap in the pool later?
one would think the pool would come back later yeah (the pool did not come back.) harris is like oi lads found a new recruit for the team still trippin balls im sure day for night yay! fell into a cheesy stupor. havent we all
(im kidding. i just find it funny)
even his tie is cheese coloured! dont attack me i have a cheese knife and i will take a wedge outta you if provoked spooooooooooooky Amy:(real swiss [cheese/army] knife there)
Amy:(im trying to make a pun. i know its bad)
(im so glad u contributed thats a top tier cheese joke thank u)
i see why jack said what he said. this is stupid. but also its 2006 and i dont expect it to do any better.
thats your coworker dick, get the fuck out.
doesnt matter what she says. youre her boss. LEAVE. shes like "i want to [have relations with] you" and he responds this which. SO PROFESSIONAL yeah nows the time to ask dick ....its... its harris? ..what?? dick: so anyway i started stabbing >what meanwhile as dick is stabbing maggie!harris to death steve isnt feeling so good
(whats going on were not even at the halfway mark)
hes having a cheese nightmare :)
oh everyone is still awake except for dick
that scene sure was necessary and added a lot. film flashbacks which for some reason translates into fuckin inspector having nosferatu hands
long story short theyre staying in an old sanatorium.
its all just bla dee bla exposition of whatever is gonna attack us with where they are
Joker: I appreciate that they gave the dude in the flashback a top hat. Really adds to the spookiness
if only they had done the whole movie that way
Amy: more effort went into the sanatorium dude's costume than the modern day ladies costuming probably dick tries to compliment jill (the blonde american lady) after his cheese induced nightmare but he just keeps saying creepy line upon creepy line by accident
2006 everybody!
i grieve for everyone who was in corporate around that time. gordon made dinner, steve finds a tooth in it, then gordon says this
bitch ur in a creepy ass abandoned shack why would you reheat food you found there love when movies call themselves out on their bad scripts
Joker: But Priestess, it's a free pie! Surely that must mean it's sanitary and safe for consumption...
Amy: NOPE
i saw the pie and i was like damn i could go for some pie right now but if someone rang the doorbell and handed me a pie now i sure as hell wouldnt eat it gordon is very trusting gordon feels bad
wants everyone to know he denounces the tooth pie movie stop making the jokes im making
movie does a quick montage to let us know everyone went to bed nerd girl gets up. whatever will she do get dust all over her glasses thats what and a lil friend on her back, thats what oh thats actually pretty bad. she went to get some water. recluse is still chill
Amy: that doesnt look tiny shes initially like !!!! when she notices it but then she goes :D which is nice! shes actually quite stoked about it
Amy:omg that nerd girl is more like me every scene XD i also talk to spiders
yeah that was a nice surprise! i think her reaction to the spider was very realistic she puts the spider outside but then theres something in the tree or whatever so she yells anyway anyway coworker intervention!! are u ok nerd girl u sleep in ur jeans steve.
why are you buttoning them up.
what were you doing.
you fucking weirdo.
the lads go out to find the man nerdgirl saw ah finally proper teambuilding gear ooh paintball. just like one of the fridays. i wanna say 5
what a weird teambuilding exercise anyway. Shooting each other in a forest. these two have a debate about humane execution or something also look at this phone. not even 20 years ago. the future is now lads omg their bus is here and theres blood in it oop rip driver
u tried so hard to stop em from going but in the end.
did it even matter?
(no)
(it did not)
Amy: i feel sorry for the driver :( (he took all the brain cells with him)
Joker: RIP Driver, you were too genre-savy for this terrible film
he did! now we only have one to go around :( and most of the time no one is even in possession of it to begin with these two bond over the fact that they and dick all want to get with jill. ew ew ew ew ew ew ew gross i hate it bluhhhhh
oh the american girls name is maggie not jill.
w..why do i just make up names...
i thought it was jill lol he says this to steve.
she probably likes none of you cos youre her coworkers and maggie sees you as nothing more than tha t
2006 LADS
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ah theres the beartrap!
its gordon walking into it.
ouch. they try to get it off but theyre doing an abysmal job of it dick like a true boss does fuckall
They keep opening it and reclamping on his leg its so baaaad omg his leg is... jesus
how are u this incompetent... YEAH GOOD LUCK WITH THAT Joker: Well they're businessmen from the 2000s...
thankfully that guy has a belt so we might be able to tourniquet it but this is a horror movie so rip gordon meanwhile dick is like omg this was a versace paintball vest how dare you get your lowly administrator juices on it howd u miss em then oh these two got the bus over there! good shout good shout oh jill is nerd girl. thats one mystery solved steve is upset hes gotta get all the water bottles outta the fridge to keep gordons leg cold
cmon steve you can use that in your job reviews for the rest of your life just think of it like that yay theyre on the bus again im sure there being another half hour of the movie doesnt mean a thing. something threw spikes on the road.
didnt realise i was watching fucking wrong turn.
ugh.
Amy: someone forgot this aint the 90s anymore
Amy: (... or something. bad politics related jokes) there goes the bus.. god damn there GOES the bus just stay there its a cosy wreck its fine takes off her glasses for no reason meanwhile on the bus bondiiiiiiiiiiiiing thanks steve im glad you remembered
and also that you said it to maggie like its somehow relevant to her gordon just professed his love to maggie also which sets the number to four.
do you fucks not know any other women in your life.
leave her alone. god damn.
this isnt as funny or cute as the director thinks it is. oh gordon just. its 2006 man dating sites were a thing you dont have to harass your coworkers about this shit
Joker: Directors in the 2000s will go "Woman like being constantly lusted over by their coworkers in dehumanizing and creepy ways right?" and make it the entire male casts's personality
YES GOD its so hard to watch!!!
at least i guess the fact we notice it nowadays means things have changed.. also idk if i made it clear but gordon is missing a foot and i thiiiink they gave him shrooms to deal with the pain?
its kinda funny i'll give it that... meanwhile these two find the lair of the forest people
or whatever they are omg cells whaaat
this better not turn into torture porn
fuck i forgot this is around that time where that was a big genre
cmon 2000s dont let me down.... they hear a noise and this guy says the one smart thing but also takes the helm in investigating the noise
film u cant call it out and then also do it and go "well they tried!!" no they didnt !! antagonist
oh also among the things i couldnt screenshot: harris going the way of marie antoinette. cos he talked about that earlier in the film. woo foreshadowing! here he is all hey jill u gonna help me or what
yknow before the marie antoinett'ing. [heartbeat increases]
they imply shes burned but idk if they dont show it cos the effect was too expensive or jill will return later evil hungarian!!!!
eastern europeans BAD
what a wholesome plot.
TWO
THOUSAND
SIX
EVERY
BODY Amy: i have to assume he fell thru the floor but it would be so much funnier if he had climbed up that hole and realized too late he wasnt alone. very awkward 'oh, uh, hello'
i cant show u but they carved the logo of the company into gordons belly cos they captured him a lil earlier. i cant tell if hes ok. he looks pretty serene but who knows oh maggie shoots him with the gun she aquired at some point [stinger of more evil hungarians!!!!!!!!!!!]
someone should draw the eybrows on him like the meme
must kill corporate western europs... girl why would you say that out loud they didnt know that. omg dick stepped on a mine by accident. the kind where if he steps off it'll go off. is he gonna.......
take...
one.......
for...
the team??? he helps maggie and steve go go cos i guess hes a good guy
steve sucks ass why is he still alive and we lost billy (idk how we lost him hes just gone. he was the secretary btw)
(he died of a gunshot wound. i started skipping around sry movie is bad and i got fed up) wideshot of asplosion preparation
..i say hungarian but one of them very much spoke russian
okay then
they also dont use the cyrillic alphabet
this is some soviet sleep experiment bullshit isnt it
ugh our final two! cos steve was just so likeable!!!!!!!! ??????????they find the actual lodge meant for the business and this is happening inside for some reason?????
WOMEN ARE ACCESSORIES FOR OLD MEN!
2006 EVERYBODY
HOW DID WE MAKE IT THROUGH A YEAR THAT SHIT
Joker: The only points I'm giving them is for the leather (?) jackets the ladies have - they're very nice
they are!
too bad they take them off in the first scene they appear in.
and all thats under it is bras. i thought you died, cunt meanwhile dick still standing on the mine i guess
oh
oh
this is a flashback...
i just realised.. it has to be george is like they cant kill me i own a business!
also the girls are sex workers so i guess thats why theyre just wearing leather jackets with lingerie under it.
they tried to justify it but its still stupdid george has a rocket launcher he uses on the slavs while the soundtrack plays stereotypical yankee doodle music
cos george is american. it goes up in the air cos he doesnt know what he is doing ...he...
he hit a passenger plane....
i
i hate to say it
Amy: ...
but that was the best joke in the movie so far
Amy: wow
wow indeed
Joker: Well damn
keep in mind it plays patriotic music throughout all of this our mcs are like fuck fuck fuck ruuuuuuuuuuuun still day for night i see yep it was a flashback. here go the hungarian girls, into the trap they fell in at the start of the film. they captured steve and maggie and i cant get a good screenshot of it so here is steve bitin some digits wait is this killer feminine??
diversity win! the person about to kill you presents as femme
Joker: Was about to make the joke but you beat me to it
heheheheh we are of one mind oh maybe not :( this is them unmasked
im a lil surprised ngl nooooo he knocked her out oh nvm she immediately woke up. thats kinda realistic iirc
Amy: so did this movie do 'oh you thought this was a woman lol' twice??
...omg amy yes. yes it did. good god.
(not really. They didn't do a fakeout with this guy bites his cheek scuttles awaaaaaay she hits him a bunch with a small rock and the movie plays comedy music as she makes her way over to him with a considerably larger rock meanwhile steve and other guy are about to have a pokemon battle maggies like sti i beat my final boss do u need an assist? cos im ready he didnt kill the guy but hes just goin, i guess
which fair enough steve no dont pull it out that makes it worse! dont u have a tumblr
Amy: in his lung too? too dumb to live clearly, giving himself pnoumothorax like that D:<
from the moment we met him steve made bad life decisions. i cant believe hes still with us omg traintracks! time to wait and hitch a ride or. or that
ok i cant cap it without the progress bar but. that twig. and the clothes.

thats the hungarian girls.

theyre still alive!!!!! hELP THEM YOU FUCK
make it the last thing u do before bleeding out maybe st. peter will let u through the gate for ur final deed of good cmon meanwhile maggie finds this beautiful beautiful place
SZEVERANZ LADS
what is subtlety???
she goes in for no reason
i mean.. i guess shes just following the trail or whatever
all the cargo in the place has her companys logo on it
what does it meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
nothin prolly cos they killed the CEO. id judge but if i was stuck in hungary all i can do is german dutch and english so I wont. HAHA THEY MADE HER HOLD IT EVEN HAS HOLD MUSIC
ngl this film's final 20 minutes are the best so far anxiously listens to hold music aw she gave up
whatre u gonna do sweets theres nothing around here omg its fire guy. he killed jill. probably everything in this movie is teal, good god she fucks up her leg in a jump but keeps goin cos u gotta keep goin, yknow! !!! someone shot him omg its olga!!! or the other hungarian girl! i only remember olga's name sorry she had a machine gun all this time and her skinny jeans are too long which might explain her pained expression as she shoots and runs and tries not to trip wow i wonder why this shot is in the movie. girl you are shooting one man. he is dead. stop it.
this is going into weird fetish territory. pls stop.
Joker: Weirdly enough, I'm happy about that. Not enough horror movie protags try to ever double tap/go overkill to avoid sequel rematches
...that is a very valid point
she def made sure he wouldnt get up again idk why steve is there but im glad to see the hungarian girls are alright! and also maggie. maggie did nothing wrong
I def couldnt have guessed this for the final four tho ill be honest support opensubtitles.org lads
theyre the sails to our ship. how wholesome.
that was the movie!
id give it a 3/10, though a lot of that is because of early 2000s shitty sexist stereotypes. It has some really funny moments and its never gross for the sake of being gross. But its also just not very good lol
i had a good time watching it though! and that is v important to me
thanks for joinin me!
well, it has gross sexist shit. i meant gross gore shit
[a few days later]
Man thinkin of it I think I have more negative memories of this film than positive ones. It's funny like, twice, but that's it. Every man in this film except Billy and Gordon is fucking gross and the plot is stupid foreigner bashing. Like Hostel already existed we didnt need more of this tripe
So while obviously it's not as shit as Blood and Honey I'm knocking it down to 2/10 I think