Resident Evil

fuck it
im rewatchin resident evil (2001)
or whatever year its from
aka the first movie where explody director goes omg look how pretty my wife is
ugh whats his name
my brain goes WES ANDERSON cos my brain is an idiot that shuold never be trusted, wes would never
Mono: :O
Mono: is it... good?
Mono: is leon there
paul ws anderson
Mono: :O
no its trash the whole thing is just paul flaunting his wife.
Mono: like naked jill....
the first movie isnt too bad cos it has no canon characters.
that's ironic
all the sequels kill off all the male mcs and poorly represent the female ones
Mono: the adaption gets worse when there's canon characters
they do
cos they start insulting the source material
the og film was nothing like re except for like. some creatures.
Mono: next thing leon doesnt moan
then what's the point
he isnt in it
hes dead from the start
Mono: :O
claire does goes uh yeah a licker got him or whatever poses sexily
i think they retcon that later but who gives a shit, the re movies are garbage
Mono: isn't he like
Mono: the face
Mono: like the most popular guy
Mono: you'd think...
i mean. yeah people love leon, but hes not the face
re has too many good characters for that
Mono: rikki should stream them lol
i mean. i could not liveblog it so we could watch--- no fuck it im liveblogigin
if people wanna see it on stream accept that i narrated it here
look at that! its two women. who are they? who knows
theres also a wholeass team so idk why michelle rodriguez is there looking cool while the rest of her team can get fucked
also marilyn manson is a garbage human that needs to pay for his crimes but the theme he made for this stupid movie series slaps.
death of the creator or whatever. THE INCIDENT
how is it fuckin confidential lol zombies are everywhere now!! Anyway umbrella is apple if you smooshed it together with like. idk the fuckin nhs and johnson and johnson i didnt think this through jfc 2002 you were ugly as sin
what the shit is this logo the fuckin og logo looks beter DISTANCE!!!
the theme is playing over it and. i like the theme. so uh. thats neat anyway this lab bitch has some computer arms anyway he steals a buncha samples and then smashes one of the samples on the table here
which releases... the... T VIRUS!!
(i think its t. hang on)
yeh its the t virus. office dude bouta have a bad time ok well i didnt mean someone splashing his coffee on him but alright this dogs like i sense some evil afoot
(i wont screenshot anything with the dogs. im not a monster)
but if you know re lore u know dogs are an enemy. and. they uh. dont look. like that guy up there guess fuckin gerard ways lil brother worked at re before deciding to pursue a carreer in music
..i dont even know if he looks like him
hang on close enough.
the opening scene to this movie is actually kinda cool because umbrella straight up kills everyone in their facility cos of the virus contamination.
which is awful. and therefor scary. so gj everyone is locked in and the sprinkles are going, everyones panicking because THEY HAVENT BEEN TOLD WHATS GOING ON
which is cool!
one for you paul. i wont give you four. i know of your future sins
omfg the lift scene i forgot!!! they crash the lifts down
idk if its like to kill the people in them or just cos the power--- no wait i do know
its to get rid of the people in the lifts
and coffee spill man is inside of a lift, which now hears the lift next to them plummet to its death
this, is also frightening and cool ok im just gonna ignore the horrid cg cos its 2002 but believe me when i say the debris and cables look awful and not real at all lol
maybe if they didnt keep em in flimsy glass containers we'd all have been FINE! the other elevator is like boy i hope those were screams of joy from their elevator doors opening to safety
(they were not)
(the bad cg killed them)
Mono: the bad cg....
Mono: is that the new enemy type
Mono: the virus
oop there they go. WOOSH
omg bad cg enemy would scare me more than anything RE could throw at me honestly their elevator gets stuck on the third floor, so everyone is ok
idk why its stuck, but it is. elevators amiright (idk i dont ride them that often) meanwhile the scientists are like geez why is this flimsy door stuck, we simply cannot get it open
(they try to establish earlier that the glass is super tough but it just. it doesnt look it paul sry)
Mono: throw something at it
Mono: i like the one guy on the right that's just standign and looking the other way
hes like i wonder if the coffee machine is still working anyway not!glados is decreasing the oxygen to flood the enrichment centre with a deadly neurotoxin.
well. not flooding it. its just. there. and the computer decided WELP this is my sign to kill fuckin everybody GEDDIT ITS THE JAPANESE NAME OF THE GAME rip science and marketing or whoever the suits are
oh wait thats not science.
rip marketing
anyway floor 3 is also all dead so the elevator peeps are like well shit now what
they try to get outta that floor anyway can u guess how this ends. ope not!glados noticed. this lady about to have a bad time.
oh nvm it stops and shes ok
,...and then she dies cos the lift goes back up and hits her in the face
which is not shown, which, again... props, kinda, cos that woulda been unnecessary gore
but then again this is all still the opening scene.
were not even to the meat yet
this is like, the uh. idk the fuckin
piece of broccoli you eat cos you have to suddenly our actual mc wakes up!
this is alice played by mila jovovich who axctually loves resident evil
but shes only here because the director is her husband and he wanted to show off that his wife is hot.
shes also in a fuckin bathtub for no reason even though her hair is clearly curled. what the fuck
the first re opens with the stars crew investigating a mansion
this film opens with a naked lady putting on a bathrobe.
totally the same atmosphere paul.
the music in the bg does sound like RE music so thats the only semblance it has so far to actual re not!glados is still watchin her. she changed into a sexy red dress cos it was in the house
for some reason whoever put her there wants her to be dressed like this
paul this is resident evil, not fuckin fatal frame, there is no reason for her to be dressed like this
ada wears an evening gown because the outbreak happened while she was at a dinner party. jill's RE3 outfit is because she is ambushed during a heatwave in raccoon city. everyone else is dressed FOR COMBAT
COS THEY WERE SENT THERE TO FIGHT huh i guess alice is actually in a mansion for five minutes at the stars. guess i forgot that heres the dress for if. for if you want to see. i guess. anyway this dude pulls her into the house and shes all like STRANGER DANGER
but his name is max and he is good.
i remember his name.
last i saw this movie i was 14 but i still remember.
i hate my stupid memory cant remember school shit but oh lemme commit this guys name to memory even tho i dont even like this film sry if u cant really see em but the way they introduce this films version of stars is fuckin stupid
they just fly in outta nowhere cos paul didnt care oh his name is matt.
guess i dont remember then.
coulda sworn it was max omfg he's a leon expy
they also actually have leon in a later one, but matt is clearly based on him cos hes a rookie cop hey its that guy!
from things! its michele rodriguez!! whos so cool and manly and dies in fucking everything shes in!!!
(i loved her character when i was a kid)
(she was my fave)
(did i mention we watched this movie in english class cos we did lol) these guys dont get a face reveal cos i guess paul decided they dont matter. i guess they did shoot one for the guy on the left cos idk when he took off his mask but hes suddenly not wearing one. but i guess paul was like fuck you, im not showing that to the people michelle rodriguez on the fact that she dies in fuckin everything
i feel bad for her shes so cool she deserves better establishing shot!
..i kinda like it ngl uhh i guess they got an hour and 48 minutes before something happens in here oh no broken fence thats not good!
we hear some skittering and idk why michelle isnt just getting out unless they dont know what kinda shit lurks around t virus infected places
but shes fine for now. theyre on a train now and going doooooown!
for some reasooooon! she aggressively checked the door cos yo gotta secure the area but people judge her
like hello isnt securing doors important
also she is so pretty.
paul is stupid. michelle shoulda been the mc
...i dont know her characters name rip oh a MAN tries the door michelle told them all was sealed shut AND HE GOT IT OPEN! ugh her stupid woman mind. cant trust it
(fuck this movie)
anyway some dude falls out
... maybe thats max.
Mono:this just feels like some random action-ish movie
because it is
the only other shit i can remember anderson directed is the fcuking transformers movie
Mono: i guess resident evil kinda is that but u know... iconic
and megan fox said he was a sexist asshole
Mono: megan fox being sexualized once again
Re is a lot of action but its also cool and scary and unique and the women in it are just as cool and developed as the guys!!!!
which this! is!! not!!1
and the first movie is the least bad
Mono: the dress kinda reminds me of ada's dres....
oh i def think they were channeling ada's outfit oh this is the dude she remembers being married to even tho she doesnt remember, like, anything. and with she i mean alice
lol great shot this
Mono: a picture of the screen made with a phone huh lol alice's ring says its umbrellas property
anyway the film makes it obvious their marriage was a cover and she was an agent of some sort
Mono: like ada(?) i think
i like how it made alice look like a ghost n meanwhile max has five chins
they were like fuck it hes a guy he doesnt have to look good
if he looked good that'd be gay
and thats like, bad
Mono: oh yeh
Mono: ewww
Mono: cant have that
absolutely not! hi they have a medic with them also! but they never introduce her!! i fucking KNEW there was a second woman in their outfit but they dont introduce her or the other two guys
what the fuck the introductions are done so poorly. why not do ALL of them when they pull of their masks? or introduce all of them organically? aaaaa oooooooh drumroll, did i remember... FUCK
oh yeah i guess alice doenst know her name is alice either
fuck it im calling him max until we find out lol oh no not!glados noticed them
the. the portal ai. i realise im referencing her without knowing for sure if people know her
basically, malicious murder ai. so there alice is like i want to speak to the manager
which fair enough cos she doesnt know who she is or why she was dragged down here
they also have
1. cuffed cop
2. max
not sure why they all need to be there but ok oh ok
what about the cop
oh the mansion is just the entrance to a place called the hive, btw
can u guess the ais actual name. look at this high tech 3d! jfc it actually looks like a hive
thats. i kinda like that
thats silly but kinda cool
its underground btw.
hello hi my name is priestess and i am slow on the uptake
i forgot some types of wasps also build nests underground. damn anytime they need to do any menial labour its michelle doing it
Mono: that is cool yehh
what do the boys do, just shoot
Mono: lol
Mono: dingus
Mono: leave it to the Sexy Girlboss
oh this guys name is jd
i realise now u cant see him lol but he's the dude who's intro they cut.
and who got spooked by max
michelle can gatekeep gaslight girlboss her way outta anything!
i believe matt explains for the idiots that the windows are fake projections. also. idk why they took him down here, but i figure hes a spy or some shit
dunno why you wouldnt just knock him out then or whatever
..then again he wouldnt stay out for long
but now he sees everything you see. just seems odd aggressive action shot of everyone taking the stairs because not!glados fucked up the elevators!!!
the team is now aware they are being watched by the AI controlling the facility.
they also namedrop her, idk if that was already necessary but.. i suppose, whats in a name
oh theyre there to turn her off i guess there u go. her name is Red Queen
and i guess they dont know someone stole a buncha samples and smashed the virus indoors
..why wouldnt the security ai relay that? HOW
umbrella is evil af i would never put it past them to kill a full facility to keep one of their bioweapons from going out! why would you put people down there to kill your ai! THIS MAKES NO SENSE
maybe im gettin ahead of myself. anyway the scientists died cos they were locked into their lab and the sprinklers were on, if u remember from the start max gives alice his leather jacket cos it'd make her look just, like, so cool meanwhile matt's on the floor like why the fuck did they take me here bondiiiiiiiiiiing anyway drowned woman is like WATCH HOW LONG I CAN HOLD MY BREATH
(also this was a jumpscare cos its 2002 so of course it was.) ooh were in dining hall b lads.
whats for lunch (i was gonna post an actual gif of return of the living dead but tarman might be a little too shocking for people so have this render instead) ooh michelle's name is Rain! I'll call her that from now on the... dining... hall? apparently the red queen has her own room and it has some figures and a t-posing woman in it !!!! is this the room?
the famous room?
the room RE4 actually referenced????? IT IS
WERE ONLY 30 MINUTES IN AND WERE ALREADY AT THE MOST FAMOUS SCENE HOLY SHIT they hack the door but the red queen is like "uh no" and for some reason their leader backs into the other three of his squad that are locked in there with him even tho he was prolly safe where he was take a moment everyone (and by that i mean mono if ur still readin) cos this is the last time you'll see these guys.
oh my god i never noticed they call for a medic during the scene the medic dies.
this is whats happening.
1. they dont know when it first starts
2. it adapts whenever it goes through once
so theres no way to survive it once the doors are locked.
(it slices through everything in case the gif didnt make that clear)
also its 2002 so its all cgi and it looks soooooo bad omg even the bossman doesnt make it out
Mono: WAT
dunno why the red queen didnt go for this pattern straight from the start but i suppose that wouldnt be as exciting.
Mono: this all sounds so dumb
to be fair its kind of a cool scene Mono: is this really resident evilgbtrgj
but uh yeah
not very resident evil lol
Mono: is this the games
Mono: i dont know much i watched rikki play a little bit of 1 and 4(?), and what we have in dbd
Mono: so im not really like knowledgable on the subject
as i said re4 actually references it! Mono: JHBBGTRJ
but uh. its. not. quite the same lol
Mono: yehhh
Mono: nice try i suppose
Mono: lOL
it makes no sense whatsoever but the captain standing there after it went through him is kinda cool. the anticipation n all that
anyway DEATH
everyone in that room is now dead
so were left with
1. aj
2. hacker dude idk his name
3. alice
4. max
5. matt
6. rain
im so glad rain didnt go in. i love u rain
oh no wait aj is dead
Mono: we're left with the main characters(?)
he died at the start. from. shock? i guess??? he had his fingers cut off on one hand which isnt deadly but hes dead anyway. so.
yeah they eliminated half of the cast
which could be cool! except most of these people arent really characters CMON DUDE YOU LOST LIKE, A FEW KNUCKLES
hes just. dead lol
Mono: ummm dont you mean the
Mono: emberella
Mono: umberella
ella ella eh eh? hacker guy decides alice is the best person to help him install the thing to disable the red queen. why not rain? shes actually part of your team
unless rain is also doing some special forces stuff hi this is the red queen its 2002 and she looks awful.
Mono: oh god
Mono: oh no
shes also english for no reason
she also has a line that, at the time, was the coolest line in the film lol
Mono: i suppose it doesnt look any better moving
absolutely not lol
they do explain why shes a little girl tho so thats nice Mono: oh no
Mono: oooh noo
look at that. so famous its even in giphy.
she says that cos they tried to activate the thing to turn her off
Mono: i've heard it in memes and stuff
Mono: but i never knew where it was from
Mono: wild
I remember when i was fourteen i was like omg so cooooool!!!
so uh. two for you paul. that was. kinda neat. in combination with the laser room.
still not four tho. never four for you. too much bad stuff
Mono: with dutch subtitles?
haha yes
since it was english class we had dutch subtitles
Mono: hbgbrjrggrg
Mono: you watched resident evil in english class
yes we did!!!
Mono: wild...
Mono: we just watched like ww2-related movies
that english teacher was really rad lol she picked some really interesting movies for us to watch wish i could ask her now. why Resident evil
Mono: especially since it sucks lol
but still
i mean, thank you, it got me interested in horror games
Mono: the source...
Mono: wILD
but i thought games were different cos you had to play them
so seeing the movie i was like. omg is the game like this???
it was not. it was so so so much better.
as was silent hill
it got me curious lol oh these guys are just waiting i gues
wait wtf theres another dark haired guy. that might be aj. now im confused
who the fuck threw a fit when he died in the laser room??? so many white guys with black hair im lost
Mono: i like the guy just sitting
haha thats matt. I guess they propped him up there cos he's handcuffed
yknow, the leon expy
Mono: i thought he was just vibin
he sorta is but thats cos its all he can do
Mono: i've had enough of this dude - them all @ him oops his name was jd, not aj.
dunno who died in the laser room. rip to that guy.
but aj/jd is still alive.
woo for you jd. anyway the survivor is actually a zombie and rain is now infected.
Amy: *checks 'teammate now infected' in RE bingo* anyway jd has a tiny lil gun for no fuckin reason since hes special ops, he only has a shitty lil gun because paul ws anderson has a hardon for women who would dig their heels into men's backs, so rain dispatches the zombie who bit her with a machine gun then throws the pictured disdainful look at jd.
as if she shouldnt know jd only has a stupid lil handgun.
resident evil (2002): oh jd is also hispanic sorry. two white guys and a hispanic guy
who look very similar, i mean
and so do max and matt. Who even have similar names. they only stand out cos they are not wearing a uniform
now the squad leader is dead all the men look fuckin identical. anyway time for broken foot zombie scientist with a fireaxe because. uh. videogame bossfights! probably!
you can tell manson did the ost cos theres metal music sometimes, for, no reason
like yeah it sounds HARDCORE and METAL
but also so out of place it takes you out of it. omg explosion! the thing paul is known for. gonna take one back from you paul, just for that
theyre fighting a full zombie hoard now btw
its boring im gonna skip through it
oh no the dogs got out
alice fights them all cool like. wont screenshot it for, again, obvious reasons the cops hands are loose and as i said, hes prolly a spy cos hes reading documents when theres FUCKING ZOMBIES EVERYEWHERE this girl stumbles up to him and he just lets her even tho he should assume malice before... idk, not malice, shes so obviously a zombie oh alice saves him. gj.
alice recognises her as someone who was working against umbrella and matt now reveals she was his sister
which they handled with 0 emotion cos paul doesnt know how to do emotion cos thats GAY or FEMININE and we cant have that! matts now like hey let me tell u who i really am
him and her wanted to prove umbrella was doin illegal research/experiments
and alice now remembers she was gonna help his sister
idk why matt is telling her this because he knows alice is an umbrella bod with memory loss. he doesnt know shes his sisters contact.
guess he got too emotional! cos his sisters dead! or whatever
the movie reminds us of the timer they showed at the start
so uh, gj on establishing that early alice is like im gonna turn the red queen back on cos she'll show us how to get out (?????)
no she'll kill you you fuckin tomato the hacker is only still alive so he can turn the queen back on.
i dont even know his name.
the fucking characters in this are NOTHING
Oh his name is kepler
she has the worst english accent in the fucking world, holy shit
i mean, its probably just an english child.
but it sounds bad this is an urban legend, and not true. wow movie.
how hard was it to research that
Mono: when movies say outright wrong shit yet have so many people and much money behind it
oh fuck yeah like the movie thats like humanity only uses 10% of its brain or whatever
fuck that shit, do better they reactivated the queen even tho she gives them the most basic well known anti-zombie measures humanity is aware of and are common knowledge, and also, have been actively executed by this team.
they learned nothing by turning her on except exposure for the audience
ok well it revealed to our mc's that rain will become a zombie rain pushed idfk who this is into a wall cos paul thinks thats sexy
100% the only reason oops he got grabbed!
nvm hes fine.
anyway this whole scene is alice doing cool shit she shouldnt be able to do
cos paul thinks its rad
oh we just lost!! !uhhh
i cant tell cos its dark, but prolly the hacker
yeah the hacker
and also jd. who prolly died earlier on i dont even know
rain is sad cos jd is dead no ur not ur sad and also infected oh no wait this is the hacker. maybe it was just jd.
uh kepler. or hwwatever the hackers name is omg he also said the line exxcept its not a meme cos hes not a cgi little girl with a really strong english accent!! oh there goes keplan. or kepler. i dont fucking know yeah hes just staying behind or whatever
hes part of the team obvs hell die he doesnt matter
mooks n all that
its like aliens but shit
oh he ends it himself. understandable in his predicament
oh my god hes out of bullets. paul you asshole
oh no hes not. its a revolver. he just had to try a few times
jesus what a waste of a minute
FUCK SAKE I HATE THIS still tries to get out so his death can be as pathetic as possible
paul i hate you
Mono: big sigh
Mono: paul ya dingus
pretty sure the t virus doesnt have an antivirus.
especially since it makes you fucking dead.
unless you mean it makes infected just be corpses. but i dont remember that from the games. might just be me though idk NOPE i was right its just from the films. lazy he looks weird.
he looks like. 12. idk. weird pose, too. not into it if you mean infected people being turned into regular corpses, sure, call it a cure. no it cant. shut up paul.
oh they introduced that so they have a reason to keep lugging rain around
which is fair cos i only care about rain.
anyway have this amazing shot of mila jojovich's nose as she tells matt's sister she will get her umbrella's viruses on one condition: omg max is evil!
and probably also not max, im so confused. i guess i really did misremember matt's name as max anyway max is killed by a licker
so there goes that plot. what a waste
also more bad cg
Mono: bye max...
iirc lickers are from RE2 but i guess they thought the Hunters from 1 didnt look cool enough rain is like the antivirus might still work for me tho right
and the red queen is like ehhhhh idk
even tho shes a computer that should know oh now RQ is like kill rain n i'll let u out
if she can detect infectees why didnt she kill everyone who was infected at the start and let everyone out who wasnt rain is like its fine kill me and then reiterates for the third time what the red queen said cos i guess theyre just reaaaaally proud of that line anyway they get attacked before they can make a choice and make it onto the train anyway, and alice gives rain the antidote so rain asks if i do die pls end it
they do a lil fake out just so they can have alice say "i could kiss you you bitch" to rain cos paul thinks thats hot but a minute later rains like this
rip rain
so alice kills her
so now we only have alice and matt left
and they are back on the surface they were umbrella, you were betraying umbrella, technically you didnt
they prolly woulda arrested you if you all got out
anyway they get ambushed by some more umbrella people from above ground
get this
this matt is turned into nemesis.
i wish i was joking, this is legit what the film decided to do.
its cos hes mutating cos he got scratched by the licker, not just cos hes some dude they caught btw but still. that is beyond stupid alice is a test subject now, or, something. idk. just some more fanservice SUBTLE
alice walks around in a desolate raccoon city.
the end.
thats it thats the movie.
it has a few cool scenes but as an adaption it is complete shit.
Mono: the movies sounded so boring and basic
as a mindless action flick, go watch it with some friends esp friends who are prone to talking over films. thats all its good for.
3 outta ten.
1 for michelle rodriguez,
1 for the opening scene,
1 for the laser scene.