been a few years since i saw it
waoit wait wait wait what is this this sounds so bad i am intrigued
Lou: oh my god
Moe: “The newest”. There have been 3 more since this one lol bold claim for a poster
Mono: Pinhead goes online and starts flamewars!? Lou: pinhead doxxes people on twitter Moe: Pinhead was sssniperwolf this whole time (fyi I liveblogged this movie in October of 2023) Pinhead inflicts pain by showing your house on instagram live Majo: pinhead shares his finest google doc call out drafts about you
we're watching it now
its friday im bored and sad jacks at a work party nows as good a time as any
first off: coulda called it hellraiser.com
why didnt they go for thatr
i like how unimpressed he looks on the poster
we start off with a shirtless man doing.. something
digging?
stoking a fire?
...
freddy?
whatever he's doing he's feeling intense about it
i presume this is our main character she musta been a disney mc's best friend when she was a tween judging by that hairstyle
also is this the dogma font
aw. almost
IM SORRY WHO
glad they decided that credit should be next to two nuns. I agree we're at a funeral now judging by how sad everyone looks
idk what happened to shirtless digging man
oh i'd also like to mention the only other hellraiser ive seen is the original film. so there
im sure i dont need any other context for Hellraiser: Pinhead Surfs The Web
jfc were not even 5 minutes since blonde's introduction and her disney best friend hair has already been upstaged
this guys name is jake and he is trying so hard to convey that he is sad Lou: HENRY CAVILL????
I KNOW, WHAT THE FUCK Lou: oh i am DEFINITELY backreading this after work
are u henry? ...are u mike? are you botrh mike and henry?
...? i... im bad at faces.. the guy who dieds name is adam
hi I have asthma! This definitely wont come up again. also we learned that before we learn his name lol
oh my fucking god is it a videogame
ok who wants to bet sadboy's next
she is also sad but they said dont emote too hard or you'll look less pretty
fuckin hell this looks like the intro to a 2003 linkin park music video
aw adam was cute! you couldn't have killed one of the other guys? woulda liked to seen him alvie a bit longer
molests coffin SHE OPENS THE COFFIN
who does that???
theres people behind you! what the hell girl
oh shes hallucinating or something.
or its a nightmare. its the early 2000s it wasnt unoriginal yet then. (except it was)
fuckin hell ok timeskipwere not even ten minutes in yet
iiiiiiiiiiiii dont remembeer this cenobite i dont think...
oh.
oh its just henry cavill! hilarious.
(i think)
(i still cant tell)
shes all like lolol they dont exist and neither does the puzzle!! As We All Know (tm)!!
look at that 2000s webdesign. its got a midi playing n everything
meanwhile these two are playing viddy
id like to remind you this is 2005. this is two years after silent hill 3 came out, and the same year as resident evil 4. its a web game so i guess im not being entirely fair...
anyways they win or whatever and they get to go to a party now idk why theyre all doing that when its implied this shit killed a friend of theirs two years ago
of course the Mc is buzzkill mcgee cant wait for someone to do a weed and for her to bitch about it
nother moody music video shot
yeah thats cavill lol only look me like, five scenes.
one of the friends asks how was the game and she immediately whines kick her out of the car lads
idc that its her car
this girl is gonna get an aneurism once ffxiv comes out. oh that bitchy reply was supposed to indicate she is very good at the game. somehow
so far this reminds me of that disney horror movie with frankie munitz in it
where the plot literally was "you die in the game you die for real"
idk if theyre all supposed to be a little alternative, i think so? but no too alternative!! dont want them to look "unrelateable" Joker: I was about to say "Oh you mean the one where bloody mary goes around murdering people" but then I saw "Disney"
ye lol
man why doesnt squeenix rent out a giant mansion for ffxiv parties
oh my god its sadboy!! whatre we gonna do??? also there was a topless woman for no reason for like, three seconds.
ugh cant believe hes at the party for the game that killed our friend and he's still sad about it. what a loser
Lou: has pinhead showed up yet
well guys he did die in game when he played with us and yknow how that goes. (idk)
no not yet
the box has tho. but only as a giant prop
Lou: GIANT puzzle box?????
ye its actually in the bg here
oh my god its-!
its!!!
oh its not. im kinda glad its not i feel like this movie probably has very little to do with his books lol
Majo: honestly can't remember if I've seen this movie or if I'm just mushing together a few "evil shooter/MMORPG/etc w shitty grapgics makes people DIE" pieces of media from around the same time
clearly a genre we need to revive
also makin dinner so, i'll be back in abit..
have this pic of pinhead with a baby in the meantime. Joker: Baby looks like they're having a good old time
i am baaack
hes the organiser or something
someone went we can totally make hellraiser like scream!!!
i dont like you.
lamp!!! i love these lamps
henry cavil givin a performance li8ke he knows hes in a bad movie
i hate you to *too
i kinda hate all four of them
mr straight edge here is the only one im rooting for if only cos he also doesnt like the other four
also adam, but hes dead. so.
apparently the five of them are special and get to see cool stuff but theres a full on house party with a fuckton of people and the start of the film was all u gotta win the game to get an invitation
so was the invite for the vip bs or for the party in general
im confused
ooh this place used to be a convent.
mockingly serenades jake WHY IS EVERYONE SO ANNOYING
i stg if the old man doesnt kill us all down here i will
what in the saw building
course it did cos god forbid we come up with anything unique
i will rip your nuts off if you dont shut the fuck up henry
they are shown this room and are super excited like its totally normal to be in a room full of heads in jars.
cmon, go ahead, say something annoying. like a stupid pun.
or talk to a dead body, or something.
make a quip about its appearance.
oh nvm he got distracted by t he possibility of ghosts before he could.
i just cant made dumbass jokes in the most inappropriate situations like you do(its jake saying it not her. her name is chelsea btw)
cmon old man kill one of hyer friends in front of her i bet she'll still be whelmed
or just punch her thats fine too
also the acting is aaaaaaass but cavill is also doing a shit job and i presume hes a decent actor so theres a chance they were directed very poorly
OMG HE IMMEDIATELY STABS HER IN THE ARM thank u old man
DERE HE IS also some really trippy editing happening rn idk whats going on
aw she just imagined it :( no stabbing
henrys like :) like, all the time
i bet he genuinely meant it when he said this line.
jesus was that really the state of phones in 2005
u ready for them to make fun of jake for his online girlfriend
oh. i mean yeah fair to her thats really stupid of u jake
skipped around a bit cos theyre just partying and nothings happening and jakes dialogue is 99% "u guys murdered my friend and i hate you" why are you around them then
anyways girl 2's dead
oh her name was allison, thank you pinhead
my friend.. shes needs me (ngl i uh. kinda didnt pause the film when i went to grab a drink. so. i missed a few minutes.))
(i just really dont care about any of these characters rip)
it keeps doing these stupid fucking zoom-ins its like im watching scary movie also turn on a playlist of generic 2000s rock music while reading this liveblog to get the full experience of this movie cos its legit playing rock songs every second of this movie
jake finds the old man again
apparently adam made a box
omg its like when god and the adam except its jake and box adam and old man instead of gogsd or something
oh the old man is pinhead. okay then. dunno why hes angry with jake now. cos its supposed to be spooky? idk
he spiked his fingies on the box btw. with a really bad cgi effect
but he seems to be ok for now.
henry meanwhile tryna forget he's in this movie
i hate this movie so much. i could just turn it off i am aware but fuck it man sometimes u gotta see the really bad soulless shit to remember what it looks like
oh yeah the people atr the party wear masks btw. and the number on the mask is what their phone number is
so thats some random girl henry just called
meanwhile jake walks into a room with naked people having sex and he's all ??? leave the room jake
awkward lil shit
oh everyones acting like he doesnt exist. i guess its some psychological blah blah going on
he turns around and suddenly everyone in the room is dead so yeah its an illusion or somethin
dunno if having watched other hellraisers wouldve helped me here but i doubt i would've cared more
ok im gonna skip every party scene now cos this movie wont fucking stop with empty party scenes
meanwhile, derricks about to die. who cares hope pinhead sends him off with a pun for good measure
nah he just lopped his head off. rip
jake meanwhile is still walking through scenes i also don't care about its weird it seems him and chelsea play the same role
why are there even two
oh cos it wouldnt be very straight if they kept throwing naked women at chelsea i guess.
puzzle box with bad cg!!
adam still best character now more and more because he is dead and has no lines
nyways jake had sex with this random girl (presumably the one he met online) in a spooky ass death house cos that is a totally normal thing to do after you hallucinated a room full of corpses and also pinhead, and also your dead friend, multiple times. and also the room your in is dark and dank and dusty as fuck
the house is kinda cool. wonder where they filmed it
the police come to no avail. i mean t he scene only just started but i'll eat my nonexistant hat if they dont instantly fuck off or die.
two mins later aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand theyre gone.
meanwhile henry is abandoned by mask girl
oh lamp u are the one thing i look forward to seeing in this movie.
he finds derricks body, thinks its fake but slowly realises its not dun dun duuuun
he doesnt take it very well.
oh hey, look, a hook. im sure thats not there for a reason.
especially not since we saw henry messing with it at the start of the film.
FORSOOTH
sweets u cant go from aaaaaah my dead friends body freakout to oowoo what is this spooky place hewwo is anybody thewe??? youre past that point
hey look everybody, its!! i. i dont kinow.
i only know the chatterer, the woman or female or whatever her name is, pinhead and the fat guy.
idk who this is
cenobyte number 5
henry proving he would not do very well in dbd i[d stop bringing up dbd when watching horror movies but cmon man they put him on a hook]
meanwhile jake hallucinates some more and chelsea tries to skedaddle
i wish i could screenshot sound cos she just did the funniest scream ohmygod
its not this but someone clipped another moment shes screaming and. fucking hell what is this either this actress also thought fuck it im gonna give it my goofiest performance or she is just that bad
chelsea runs back into the building to save jake. i think
building's also empty now cos all the other partygoers werent real.
cenobyte shenanigans or something
APT OBSERVATION THERE CHELSEA
lollll he sounded so annoyed if the script calls itself out should that fucking line really be there
no its the old man but that doesnt sound cool for the trailer i figure ok its also the old house
inb4 old house turns into puzzle
oh werre back on the its not real train now
hey i know you!
lamp!!!! :D
omg adam how did u get in the floor? also chelsea u cant go between weh weh none of this is real and omg is that my dead friend???
chelsea gets grabbed by ghoul adam again cos shes just that fucking stupid
i swear to god if we get a "IM NOT AFRAID OF YOU ANYMORE!!!1!!!!" im gonna scream
that reminds me this was about a computere game. theres been no digital anything except some old ass nokias.
im so let down.
oh adams dad is the old man.
STOP WITH THE FUCKIN ZOOMS
Running while the composer rolls across his piano for dramatic effect
ah hang on we better stop running from the murderman to check out these graves.
the old man explains why he did it, i figure cos his son died or whatevs i dont care. chelsea and jake are somehow teleported into the ground but i thought they knew it wasnt real so shouldnt they be fine???
oh they made it! how nice. lemme. go back a sec. they were still underground a minute ago
oh its the police who got her out.
the line delivery lads you have no idea its so bad
police explains they got a call from the house about the graves being there so thats how they got saved. also ominous window dad
pazuru
he found the real puzzle and now the cenobytes are like "we came" cos they do that the dad's the only one who did a good job acting wise
and the cenobytes were fine i guess tho they barely did anything
oops he got badly cg murdered by them.
more rock music as the police go through his room also some random scene with jake and chelsea but who cares
im so angry with myself i didnt realise that until his literal final scene. i was like hang on it cant be
why did that take me the whole fuckin film
anyway this movie sucks ass but lance henriksen is cool and i like him a lot i hope they paid u well for this cos holy crap this was gahbage.
so that cenobytes name is banded cenobyte but what i find more fun is that the actor's name is snowy also they show how much they cared about this film cos lance henriksen's character, the main antagonist and the father of the most important plot point DOESNT HAVE A NAME
HE'S JUST "HOST"
2/10. one point for lance. and at least its not blood and honey.
also pinhead didn't dox anyone. lame
Majo: what's the point :(((