Evil Dead Rise

(2023)

i am falling asleep.
evil dead 2023 time.
Moe, warning to mute me pls
wait i just realised that calls u to my channel fuck
Moe: Ahh bless I appreciate the warning ❤️ I hope you enjoy! I plan to watch it this weekend~
Moe: Then I can peep your commentary after :3c
thank u! i was worried i was gonna spoil it and then you opening the chat otl
Majo: evil dead taimu? 👀
- Much later -
sry i fell asleep otl
BUT IM HERE NOW
ooh its new line! that makes sense
movie opens with buzzing fly noises. bleh
pov: ur a mosquito in the jungle desperately trying not to hit any of the flying opening credits as u fly over the local river
nyooooooom oh we're a drone. ...
im gonna keep pretending it was mosquitoes. hi this is caleb! owner of the drone and also i want him dead very badly. shes like u coulda chopped my head off if u hit me and hes like lol it wouldnt be clean if i hit u. gee i wonder if someone will suffer near decapitation by drone. or that "ever since we visited that church in town shes been complaining about blisters everywhere and afaik they still havent cleared up, so" !!!SCANDINAVIAN BURN HUT!! why is this the third movie ive seen with one of these. big thing in 2020s horror i guess
oooh actual fly noises.
idk whats worse. annoying drone noises or corpse fly noises. I suppose at least the latter have a purpose and are just tryin to do their own thing
god im glad i just had a nap cos seeing this would make me want to go to sleep in no time. anyways this is jessica! woo! shes well read! shes reading wuthering heights! look at her
edward cullen would be so impressed. jessica sits up and starts citing the page her cousin is currently reading.
edward cullen would be extra impressed for sure i thought wuthering heights was an old romance novel but from here it sounds like eldritch horror god damn also god damn this outfit makes her body look so stumpy ah goodmorning sunshine! jessica sure looks normal and healthy. oop. rip cousin meanwhile this bitch is still alive oh shit cousin isnt dead jessica just. scalped her
god damn angrily grabs mechanical fly thing
i bet hell is full of drones. deadite just vibing, having a good time uuuhhh she knocked herself in the face with the drone caleb actually dives in to rescue her which, ok props to him didn't expect him to do something decent
even tho his gf is totally satan and stuff hi i just needed to jennifers body myself dw about me just got some warpaint for my face, anyways where were we
also caleb dead.
a drone might not be able to take someones head off but boi jessica sure can.
ok this looks cool props to u movie !!!! this is beth. she is pregnant. considering what movie this is, i am scared now.
shes either in a band or one of their tech people as a dude knocked on the bathroom door asking her where another dude's guitar is.
so. yeah. i guess were at a music venue now
ok well she might not be pregnant she just took a test so im assuming. they wont show the result for some reason ooh a building! wow.
uh.
i dont know where we are. but this building is there! hey shes the one on the poster!w
weird to see her not!dead we dont know their name but we do know theyre like, into activism and stuff redhead is her mum. she is also this kids mum who is looking very anxious dj'ing some music that is actually pretty chill meanwhile this girl just used scissors to decapitate a babydoll, because hey, if uve got scissors and a baby doll, you might as well, right also mums a tattoo artist so im v curious to see how that comes into play more kids! at the door! with.. a cheeto bag with a handle on it? what?? oh. it was a loose cheeto. that does make more sense oh her name is bridget. all the freddy movies? sounds like a fun time the little one is wrong and a shit i like the tall one he has good taste. dont die tall cheeto kid anyways bridgets like HA im way too cool to watch freddy movies with you im staying home so i can watch my mom get possessed and potentially also me and my siblings and have a gorefest all on my own! bluh meanwhile, kassie
(kassie is doll decapitation sister but u probably already figured that) danny is vibing too his mellow dj music until bridget makes herself known and he goes into 150% anxiety mode woo happy siblings! im sure nothing bad will happen ever. beth spooks their mum which lands her a punch in the face from said mum lol
but theyre ok with it i guess
oh theyre siblings we learn kassie named her dollhead stick "staffanie" as a weapon against a ghost danny warned her about.
resourceful beths like ghosts arent real and kassies like if you havent seen one how do u know and she answers this
we dont know her stance on demons. kassie should ask
aw she gives kassie a bracelet, how cute ahh beth is a guitar tech. got it got it beth got their dad a gift which makes the table eerily quiet. wha happen
oh turns out their dad just fucked off
beth is like why didnt you tell me i woulda helped out straight away! but her sister says she called twice and beth didnt respond
which beth apologises for
a the redheads name is Ellie ominous pizza collection commences! beth is pretty i wish i had her legs
shes listening to missed voicemails from her sister
awkward bondiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing suddenly an earthquake?
the kids drop the pizzas for no reason sad and abandoned :( also the garage has a wood chipper in it. seems like a weird place for a wood chipper, a garage in an apartment complex..
im sure no ones gonna get fargo'd. ...or fonda'd the pizzas got a lil fucked up from the quake and the movie thought it was necessary to accompany the opening of the box with a disgusting squelching sound
its still pizza! its fine. god damn was that noise needed oh the earthquake caused a massive hole to appear in the garage
to hell!!!!
can actively hear the screaming of the damned or the uh. floor below dan's like ima climb in cos im cool and strong and sixteen woo
theres a bank vault down there cos their building used to be a bank and also jesus christ! the kids make it back to their apartment where ellie and beth were worried and also ellie's neighbour uh. guy. on the right
and an old dude who owns a cat who apparently went into the air ducts becuase of the earthquake.
i am worried for this cat.
oh also danny found the necronomicon in the bank vault.
forgot to mention that dan begging to get bit by a book
he nicks himself and the book opens and its full of scary illustrations
lol the book is squishy when he leafs through it
i think its made outta skin iirc kassie doesnt like baths cos she got stung by a jellyfish once so she doesnt like going into bodies of water without seeing the bottom first. beth, being the empathic aunt she is, decided to freak her out squishes rubber duck in ten years i'll be telling my therapist about this, auntie beth meanwhile danny plays an old LP backwards cos he hasn't invoked satan enough tonight danny tries to stop the lp when the recording starts citing a "resurrection ritual" but the recording wont stop
anxiety increases pov: ur a demon zooming down the road to posses an unsuspecting mom
rolling around at the speed of bad teenage decisions she was just trying to do laundry god damn
way to go dan um, shes stuck in the lift now
cos.. satan.. blocked it? idk demons (?) start laughing and taunting her cos its evil dead and thats what they do
poor ellie :(
oh jesus the lift pulls a The Lift (1985) and actively tries to kill Ellie meanwhile kassie is in her bear onesie phase
man their apartment is huge.
i am jealous honey im hoooooooooome fries eggs demonically this shot almost looks like a poster
she.... projectile vomits for some reason
she seems to go between possessed and not possessed during which she says to protect her kids they try to drag her out (presumably to get to a hospital) but oop the lift is evil oh the stairs collapsed from the earthquake
time to call the firefighters?
oh ellie's dead now. rip the two neighbours are at the house hes like i wanna pray and beth and the other neighbour join him and im sure deadite!ellie wont react to that
oh the phonelines are out too
also ellie did not react to the prayer so i was wrong
the north side of the building has a fire escape which the neighbours want to use to get out and get help but they gotta get through an abandoned apartment to get there first
were 40 minutes in and i like this movie so far meanwhile beth talks to el and how much she relied on her
and laments how unreliable she herself was beth's voicemail goes off outta nowhere with some distressing messages from ellie
and then giggling ellie, youve.. youve got a little something....
never mind shes aliiiiiiiiiiiiiive! sort of thats what i said! shes running a very high temperature so they try cooling her down in the bath but i guess demon!ellie doesnt like that when u get in the bath but the water is so hot u jump to the ceiling to get out and. and you yell. cos the water is so hot. and the mirror breaks. and all ur neighbours hear
also her teeth are suddenly bad even tho she died like, idk, an hour ago ok well uhhh i suggest we all break down the door to that abandoned apartment and go down the fireladder and let the demon keep ellie's body to galivant around the building while we run far far faaaar away ellie stabs beth with a mirror shard RIGHT through the hand god DAMN bridget tries talking to her mum who is clearly just the demon fake talking back but, i mean, nobody even knows whats going on so can u blame her
well. except danny. sweet anxious lil danny with his meaty human deathbook. ah yes, we're watching an evil dead movie. thank you for reminding me, script
she attacks bridget with a tattoo gun but thankfully only does a little bit of damage before danny manages to get her off her she does some eenie meeny miny moe which reminds me of jeepers creepers 2 except not directed by a dirty creep
...
anyway oh shit the neighbour
HAHAHAA OMG
ok so!!!
where do i start
she attacks the young neighbour and rips his eye out, then hacks up said eye into.. god u gotta see it man i cant explain
its a reference to the original evil dead
its wacky as shit but its a nice little allegory
meanwhile this kid chokes on eyeball
shoulda continued ur freddy marathon my dude
oh wait the electricity is out :( meanwhile ellie knocks on the door in a new and unconventional way through the doorhole..thing they see ellie giving the lil kid what he deserves for saying some of the nightmare movies are "shitty" ooh shit old neighbour just shot her
i kinda wonder if old neighbour young neighbour is supposed to be a reference to old priest young priest but im probably thinking too hard about t when ur henry townsend and u look through ur door peephole after ur apartment gets possessed meanwhile bridget attacks danny for turning their mum into a zombie demon also beth keeps having cramps. oh no no no no no
beths like hey can u postpone the teenage bullshit for after we've depossessed ur mums corpse dannys like look at this veiny ass book i have aunty beth the one from the og film had a face but i can kinda see why they chose not to use that one lol
it kinda looks like it was just woken up and it doesnt appreciate it. which. honestly is probably true ellie sings an eerie song so they can use it in the trailer
the film seems to imply so, anyway
oh also ellie cut herself with the tattoo gun before she cut bridget with it so.. im a lil worried she might be infected with. idk. demon zombieness
the book starts leafing to a new page on its own while saying bridgets name oh no oh no oh no oh no also kassie is trying to look at her mum outside the door. kassie pls no just vibin
ignore the child. just chill vibes bridget is puking up black gunk from like, her whole face. so. not a good time
also bugs! oh my god kassie sure has manners. huh, smart demon kassie's like well if u say so
thankfully the door has a chain so the demon cant get in but yeah kassie opened the door oof
hope she didnt get scratched beth's like i take offense to that second to last one SHES A GUITAR TECHNICIAN! cocks shotgun
[I'd watch hobo with a shotgun here but honestly the only good scenes are the rutger hauer ones and i didnt have enough fun watching that film to rewatch it tbh.] um. i think we lost bridget.
djhfjdkhdfjh her moving around makes glass breaking noises which is auditory torture
gj movie oh. cos shes eating a wineglass. um. okay then honestly idk what i'd do but stand and stare either oh good god please no
evil dead was like we know ur intrusive thoughts about cheese graters. let us demonstrate ah yes its our little instigator
i dont blame danny he didnt know any better but if i was him i think id chance it and jump out the window at this point staffanie go! save kassie
oh she. she did.
um. i cant screenshot it but. bridget. um. hm
if bridget's head is the letter o and staffanie is a / then now its a ø nvm shes ok. oh maybe not. she reminds me of newt from aliens a lil bit danny tied up bridget which is a lil freaky to look at but honestly good call kid
beths like show me the music im a guitar tech i'll remix it into a cleansing track
(she doesnt say that)
(but i'm pretending she did) the priest on the vynil is like oops i regret the things i did
which sure is helpful to beth basically the same thing happening to beth and her family happened to the priest and his flock of priests
business of priests
c..congregation of priests
my subs dont include noises so just so u know the vent meowed
i am filled with dread
please no not the cat :( baybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee D:
oh the demon knows about the vents now
hopefully it LEAVES THE CAT THE FUCK ALONE (edit: it did. yay!) ah yes fire
..maybe thats why the scandinavian death hut at the start
oh the fire didnt work nvm very astute of u danny oh i guess tying her up did diddly squat then hey ah shit she infected danny ah its just like that spiderman scene.
yknow this one. oh these demons. so full of sass. so full of beans. this girl is on fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire
also danny got stabbed twiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice
but hes ok for now but he likely wont be cos infected blood oh no :( well thats reassuring. ellie snuck in and now shes stitching the lp
yknow like
stitching the lp. this. yes yes shes pregunte we know
or. maybe. idk itd be weird for the demon to be wrong about that
but they didnt show us in the opening so who knows maybe not well thats reassuring. thank you ellie woo fire escape time! oh shit she got a shotgun! she can actually cock it while clarifying her job now. they got charged by ellie so damn that shotgun went off a lot sooner than i thought it was gonna meanwhile: the neighbour wakes up
i did wonder if the demons/deadites would take over other corpses cos. they can just do that
so the hall having like four unmoving bodies in it seemed a lil odd uhhh i believe its called dead by daylight. geez.
so yeah beth and kassie are being taunted by practically everyone else in the building cos theyre all demon zombie guys now having a corpse party tryna taunt the two remaining living people into. giving up, i guess theyre in the lift and the power turned on outta nowhere
i was gonna make a silent hill 2 reference but i feel like ive made enough alienating references as it is
um. the lift is filling with blood
so. theres that
also the demon kids are ripping into ellie whos just peachy with that. idk why theyre doing that
i think its implying thats where the bloods coming from? im not sure thats what the reference! jesus i havent seen someone this soaked in blood since the descent
they make it to the garage but the garage door wont open cos of course it wont. ope never mind there it goes. JESUS CHRIST WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU even tho its now an amalgamation of a buncha bodies it has not lost its flair for the dramatic
oh no beth got out but the thing grabbed kassie wouldnt be evil dead without a chainsaw.
tho i dont think the deadite is supposed to be wielding it. told u the woodchipper would come into play.
also: again: why is there a woodchipper in an apartment complex kassie's like i dont want auntie beth to be made into hamster flooring the movie references the original quite a bit and it does it rly well in my opinion
theres a chainsaw and a shotgun but them being there makes sense in context, and beth is stabbed through the hand early on as i assume a reference to ash losing his hand. then there's the whole eyeball thing which was def the most out there but it shows the film still has a similar sense of humor to the original as the demons still have the same demeanor as they did in the first film
its cool oh kassie :(
the finale is extremely gory but honestly the rest of the film isnt, im surprised
anyway deadite!ellie calls her a groupie again and beth delivers the coup the grace. the deadites are but a fine red mist now adopted niece get so uh. heres the perspective from a neighbour from one of the other floors. makes sense
she complains about not being able to sleep and how the power was out all night oh fuck this is jessica. girl get out! you were in your car!! just get out of the garage then call the police!! dont check it out, geez well that was that
huh. thought thered be more about beth becoming a mum honestly
but also im glad it wasnt pregnancy horror
that was good! that was really good!! wow im so happy i watched that :)
its a very contained story that doesnt develop much tbh but i think it works really well as an evil dead film. its kind of sad but mostly funny and over the top i feel like they finally nailed how to do iterations/sequels of 80s horror films
Moe: I watched it last night!! It was good, I think I liked it as much if not more than the 2013 one. 2013 was way gorier/bloodier so I was a little surprised this one didn't go as hard in that regard but definitely not a bad thing (I appreciate there was no..."tree scene" equivalent in this one. I really hate that in the original/remake). I was very tickled by the title card, a lot of the shots in this looked really nice. I also read wuthering heights as a teen and don't remember it being so scary?? wtf lol that must've just been one scene.
Moe: Also Jumpscare Jesus made me think of you