Cocaine Bear (2023)

huh catchy opening hell yeah elizabeth banks!!! idk who u are and i might hate this but. still dude on coke excitedly throwing more coke out of a plane. for. some reason oh he's goin after it. i dont think it works that way dude love it when horror movies lie like that its a black bear?? not even a grizzly? god damn
they picked goofy "oh no oh geeze oh what do i do" mcbear when it comes across a human as opposed to "MY NAME IS URSA ARCTOS HORRIBILIS BITCH LET ME SHOW U WHY" bear that's very honest. im sure whoever wrote that bit for wikipedia is stoked. really for real is elizabeth banks fuckin kevin smith in disguise, is this a real place
(it is. im sorry for making fun of it but.. its a funny name right?)
wait wait fuck elizabeth banks is effie
i thought nahh no way but it is her
i support her even harder now
lovingly pets husbands beard. theyre scandinavian i think
she offends her fiance by saying she doesnt want his brothers band to play at their wedding cos hes bad, which obv offends him. the only reason im screenshotting this is because i noticed a credit for an actress named Hanna Hoekstra, who is dutch. And this was the moment i realised this scandinavian girl is played by her.
northern europe, the netherlands, its alll the saaaaaaame
oh i dont think he was offended he was just too busy walkin them to a pretty sight
Matt: Chattahoochee is indeed a real place, and yes it is very amusing to say lol
oh thank god lol i felt like a bastard after i found out it was real !!!!!!!!!!! a bear!
lol elsa (the woman) straight up has a dutch accent. tho.. i also mistook it for scandinavian so good on them i guess anyway bear is bonking its head on the tree. presumably due to cocaine. no its not its hurting itself girl cmon oh its a black bear for a reason! since apparently the rule is to fight off black bears and pretend to be dead or whatever if its brown/a grizzly
so. fair enough they run from it and in true "you have failed the final girl test" fashion kristoffer trips on nothing
..oh but now his name is olaf. i stg it was kristoffer before
its the dude its not like it matters what their names are at this point if his name is olaf where the fuck did i get kristoffer from...
uh anyway his gf is being dragged off. woo!
Acea: Is the bear a drug addict
Acea: Or a seller
nah just an addict
it didnt offer to sell it to the euros at least so the police found a buncha the cocaine that fell outta the sky but idk if theyre aware a bear got to it
Matt: lmao the title just kills me honestly
Matt: it's so straight and to the point
Matt: "yep. got a bear on cocaine here"
i know right we just got introduced to two police officers, a girl named reba and. this guy, but older. cos this is a flashback! now we're in the 80s! you can tell cos this is an arcade. nvm im wrong its right now.
i got faked out by the fact that everything looks like its the 80s again. i.. i dont know when this is
did i miss a timestamp? why does a teenager have a poster of young madonna on the wall??
oh. its 1985.
that explains that. anyway this is her mum. the girls name is dee dee
im sure thats impotant later
also DEPECHE MODE have this without context. this is another mc alongside daveed (the lad with the ringbeard combo a lil further up) i can tell cos ur eating pasta with nothin on it lol it really is plain penne!
why do they even serve that
cocaine bear has decided its like jurassic park if we replaced all the dinosaurs with a black bear off its tits on cocaine heres our child MCs, i guess oh yeah heres the detective. cos of the cocaine plane thing
and he really wants a dog!
awwww this is reba shes the other one
i hope thats it for the mcs for now
its a lotta people ..they gave bob (the guy) a police dog named rosetta but.. shes.. like, what is that, a pekinese? w...why?
(thats not what it is idk what she is sorry)
also this is georgia so please read all of these subtitles (except for the two europs up there) with the appropriate accent, thank you. ?? a reference?? jfc are we not done with the characters yet
cmon him and her are gonna get eaten by the bear right
i know my campy horrormovie rules also i 100% recognise him.
who dis. ...ok ngl ive known her for 3 minutes but i want her to be a main character shes kinda cool.
idc about stupid 80s hat tho
>theyre bonding
dont do this to me movie
Mono:i like this silly outfit tbh
its so extremely 80s i feel like even people who were that age durin that time would be like god damn that is 80s new guy! I hate him cos i hate his hair. bothayou can live now. i like u both. i'd like to sacrifice stupid hair man so these two may live. thank u ms banks. anyway the kids are skippin school to be in the forest and henry is carving his and her initials into the tree cos hes like, tooootally got a crush on dee dee. oops its coke. they know cos DARE visited their school
(is it still dare? sry guys all my absorption of american culture comes from pop culture or, well, u guys)
wait it would be dare cos its the 80s lol henrys like i totes know how to do coke and dee dee dares him idk why im screenshotting this. i guess cos its funn
hes tryna look cool
i feel like everything thats about kids these days thats not aimed at kids is set in the 80s.
millenials are between like 27 and 40 we can make movies about our childhood, what the hel
l have this cos its funny. henry has the best lines in the film so far. oh no, the bear!
quick, give it its fix
oh they run the bear sneezes everyone is ok. phew
cant wait to get back to work on tuesday, have our weekly "what did u do this weekend" talk and i get to tell my team i watched cocaine bear. so the dudes who work for the drug guy whos cargo was lost in the plane incident are working together, to uh, get the coke back, im pretty sure
dude on the left is the son of the guy who is the head of the org and on the right we got daveed just doin his job
theyre "bonding" by fighting meanwhile dee dee's mum makes it to the rangers office, tho im only screenshotting this cos I WANT YOUR BOILERSUIT
GIVE IT ME NOW meanwhile these two are in a toilet somehwere and some guys got beat the fuck up to showcase daveed is a good fighter.
to let us know daveed is totes gonna fight cocaine bear..
Who i will now dub Coco.
cos thats a lotta letters. Coco it is. jfc another character. this is the guy who stabbed daveed in the toilets for more coke, or. just cos he was on coke, i dont know
he's got painted nails so thats kinda cool
but i guess the fashion notes for this guy were "looks like a raver" meanwhile detective bob is like hey reba i hope my weird police dog is okay
cos hes a good guy who loves dogs
so many people just there to get killed, god damn
(not bob)
(pls not bob) so this is one group. fire dude, cool ranger lady, deedees mum, and henry now i guess. he's in a tree. cos a Coco uh, actually no, henry, you dealt with ursa americanus. You're referencing Ursa Arctos Horribilis. that is very confusing, please refrain from using the wrong nomenclature. oh shit i think coco went for botha them at the same time, somehow oh nvm everyone is fine and the ranger is shooting willy nilly. oops oops coke. oops coco.
everyones still ok. the ranger wandered off after coco lost interest in her
the bear eats ugly hair guy cos he smells like cocaine ranger lady gets back to the station n this dude also got attacked by the bear which is random tbh
he steals some ammo. idk
anyway hes dead now an ambulance! cos we need even more people goodbye to the ambulance staff and also all of the rangers. rip
Dream: Is this that new bear movie???
yes it is! if by new bear movie you mean cocaine bear. woo no context! this might be a problem.
..ok NOW all the rangers and ambulance personell are dead. meanwhile with the gta5 crew we've got Raver talking about his childhood and owning a lizard
Dream: I like how this frame here shows yep the bear looks fake.
oh yeah its 100% cg every single moment.
which is good, i wouldnt want them to use a real bear nowadays.
Dream: Exactly!!
Dream: Honestly I'm enjoying this as frames then seeing the actual moving scenes.
Dream: I get comfortable with horror stuff when its just pictures or words no movement
over nice lizards and having a tattoo that misspelled ur gfs naaaaame daveeds like this guy is lying eddie n eddie is like noooo i bonded over lizards and stuff
theyre looking for a gazebo
for drug reasons cos its supposed to be there omg detective bob got there first.
also, behold: a teenager. bob is afraid to come down the gazebo and i gotte say, love the bodylanguage here detective bob shoots daveed in the hand cos he moved when he told him not to
god damn bob get down already Raver's got a point here (hes questioning the wound), daveed somehow lost his pinky and his middle finger to that shot. nani dpt bob is like ON UR BELLIES but he does allow eddie to collect daveeds fingers. so uh. thats nice. meanwhile team deedee's mum andhenry
apparently coco abducted dee dee? omfg its an actual bear.. uh.. hole? den? and shes in there
what is this, Bong Joon-ho's Host? omg!! coco?
could be another black bear, to be fair
this one seems pretty chill
hmmm shes scarred but im not sure.. ok yeah that is coco. tho she does look a lot cleaner since her last kill
im just assuming shes a girl.. hang on
>they dont specify
>ok female pronouns it is. cos thats my default
also unsurprisingly the real cocaine bear was found dead cos it ate as much cocaine as it could. so no rampage meanwhile our coco has passed out on top of Eddie, who is not having the best day. raver is like maybe move it? and this is eddies response
god this movie oh my god olaf is alive!!!
(were back with dee dees mum and henry) honestly whats more ominous than a european using the word devil to describe something meanwhile, these fuckers oh no! hell yeah i was right! .. oh.
but still!
idk how by the way cos his head is like, under her chest. but whatever daveed is like should we shoot the bear (cos shes preoccupied with more coke) and this is bobs response
are you for real scoots closer well lets hope she wants to dance.
also give raver an oscar for bodylanguage, god damn oh hes ok detective bob distracted her with. surprise! more cocaine. bob got shot by syd? (the boss of eddie and daveed) naniiii
hes alive just. in pain oh also eddie is syds son.
i stg this feels like a Rockstar game sidequest taken up to eleven. i wish i could print this and send it to myself a year ago, with no context. oh heres syd btw idk if that'll be relevant at any point
we got like, 20 mins left
his dad's like we gotta go get the coke
or were in trouble
like what ur gonna get it from coco's bloodstream. whats ur plan syd its reba!!
reba where is rosetta cmon we gotta see her lil tootsies in action nvm reba is a turncoat.
how could u do this reba bob is upset. honestly this means more than anything SHE LEFT ROSETTE IN THE CAR
REBA CMON weird police dog but STILL
oh no bob died :( ah yes the only character i still care about. Coco and her bag of even more cocaine.
and also heroic music COS WHY NOT they find dee dee.
they also find. well. ahem. excuse you her name is Coco. oh no baby bears go back :(
(theyre ok)
(i just didnt expect them to follow the people)
oh also olaf died off screen, cos of course he did! he isnt american ,after all. bondiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing syd seems very determined to get the coke outta coco somehow
reba outtie 5000s which
i hope coco kills her
fuckin turncoated all over goddamn everyone
pick a side, god damn
wait. where did the raver go... oh no the cubs! syd bops one and it sounds like a yelping dog because.
i dont know.
that was a really weird sound choice. syds like kill the bebe bears but literally everyone including his cronies are like ehhhhhh but this is a prime opportunity to get rid of you thoughhhh the film decides at this point its moral is: dont deal drugs and dont be a bad dad.
(this is henry delivering the moral to syd. wow) [SHREDDING GUITARS]
Majo: don't deal dads!! Yes i gathered that from the fact that shes a bear and that those are her cubs and also that you have guns.
but thank you.
(seriously who the fuck wouldnt have got that by now)
(except sleeping people)
(AAAAAAAAAAA) they jump to what i presume is safety
but itd be kinda funny if it wasnt. yeh theyre fine coco, noooooooo
(she was shot by syd) oh no her babies :(((( hahah omg syd accidentally drops the bag and the coke spreading everywhere wakes coco back up HELL YE TIME FOR SOME REVENGE
syd gets killed by the whole bear family and its pretty graphic so i'll not cap it
everyone else is ok tho! yay oh shit except maybe daveed :c dee dees mum surfaces and henrys like well i've been a plot spouting device so far why stop now nooooooooooooo rosette :( oh she let her out. fuck u reba i hope rosette finds a better owner ok this makes no logical sense but honestly i bet eddie is a better owner to rosette than reba. so im happy
fuck you reba i hate you dont be all like here you go take the dog YOURE A TURNCOAT AND YOU FUCKED OVER BOB yay woo friendship team of rosette daveed and eddie lesgooooo
(i forgot who gabe is.) these three are okay too.
yay theyre all okay!!!
thats all we really wanted to know isnt it
happy bear family. wooo!
ok im gonna give it a minute to give it a rating
but god damn im so happy silly horror movies like this still exist
Dream: Glad dog was okay. Other wise I'd be traumatized for life
dog did so good!
she got a sweet new owner and everything
bears also ok
one thing i immediately like is that the bears are just animals. theyre not treated as evil or good, theyre bears.
bears on coke, but still. bears
also i doublechecked cos this guy just disappears but literally the raver runs off after the detective tells them to get out of there. That is where he leaves the movie. Wow
Acea: I think the bear should havebeen a dealer instead